Beetroot recipe horror!

Too often I’m racked with guilt about food waste. I hate throwing anything away. Even if it means making weird stir fries with 87 types of vegetables in them. So, in anticipation of N and I going on holiday soon, I’ve been preoccupied with using everything up in the fridge that could go off. Which means that today I was seized with a particular kind of kitchen madness: the quest to use an incongruous mix of ingredients in cack-handed quantities, knowing full well that it didn’t look edible, resulting in a spectacular fail. I know most food blogs are mainly all about gorgeous recipes, but I think it’s just as fun to talk about the total rubbish that I cook up on a fairly regular basis.

My thinking was thus: I somehow thought I could use up the annoying beetroots that had been lurking in the fridge for weeks and make savoury muffins out of them, incorporating the odds and ends of the Xmas cheeses that we’d failed to eat, some rosemary that was almost on the turn and some old pumpkin seeds that had been unearthed in the cupboard. I’d made savoury muffins before. It was snowing heavily outside and I felt all cosy and resourceful, like some kind of 1950’s ‘make do and mend’ Stepford housewife. Hah – I just had a mountain of beetroot to get through. I was determined to use ALL of it. I made a mixture of grated raw beetroot, grated cheese, eggs, oil, flour and seasoning, knowing in the pit of my stomach that the mixture was looking wrong – and so red! – and that the resulting florid goo would never rise, but soldiered on anyway. It was as though I was incapable of stopping.

The horror, the horror:

Crispy tendrils of beetroot on the outside, solid cheesy clag on the inside. Texture of rubber. Weird flavour of sweet pizza. I now have about 24 of the buggers to find a home for. Anyone got a hungry piglet or horse at home? I can’t throw ’em away…

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5 comments

  1. If only I still lived in the UK…

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  2. Kev seriously, even you wouldn't like these!!! Am thinking of using them as door stops…A ;o)

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  3. I just had an EPIC FAIL in the kitchen, and have come running to your blog for support. I just made a 'Corn & Butter Bean' chowder. I make this recipe all the time, mainly because it uses tinned corn and butter beans – fast and easy. But I had seen an old pack of dried butter beans in the cupboard, so thought "I'll use them up". I diligently soaked the beans for couple of days, then cooked the recipe. After 20 minutes the beans were still crunchy. Oh well, I guess that's because they were dried. After 30 minutes the beans were just as crunchy. At 50 minutes, everything else in the soup (potato, red pepper) had all disintegrated to mush but the beans were still FUCKING CRUNCHY!!*sigh*There is no way you can serve a soup with fucking crunchy butter beans ūüė¶

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  4. Ah Pip – I feel your pain! I've had many a battle with bullet-like dried pulses. I think you have to make sure that they're not too old…and always cook the beans on their own in water (not with other ingredients in the pot unless they're tiny lentils)…NEVER add salt…and add a couple of teaspoons of bicarb of soda to the pot when you're boiling them as this helps soften them up…Did you throw them at the wall in a rage? ;o)

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  5. I can just imagine the "boink" sound they would make as they hit the wall. Or perhaps a "rattatatt" like a machine gun. Crunchy bastards.

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